The Light We Lost

A little after Liam turns two, the whole family becomes sick. At the same time, Darren is negotiating a tough deal at work. Lucy is annoyed when Darren dumps all the care of the kids on her. She crawls into bed with the sick children late one night and thinks about Gabe, convinced he would not expect her to care for the kids alone, especially when she is sick, too. Later, she dreams about him and how perfect their life together would be.

Lucy feels that she is failing to live up to the expectations Darren had of her before they married because she continues to make her career a priority. She is unhappy with this part of her life but also admits there have been happy times, too. Yet when Lucy sees an unfamiliar woman’s name, Linda, in Darren’s phone, she jumps to the conclusion that he is having an affair. She questions him, but her suspicion grows when he fails to give her a realistic explanation for Linda’s name in his phone. Lucy tries to get into Darren’s phone again, but she cannot bypass the lock on it, a fact that increases her suspicion rather than soothing it. For six months, Lucy sees signs of an affair in Darren’s every action, from working on Saturdays to taking golf trips with his friends. She worries because they have stopped being as physically intimate as they used to be, and Darren pushes her away one night when she makes an overture toward sex.

Lucy returns to tracking Gabe’s movements around the world. When he reaches out to her to let her know he is coming to New York, she agrees to meet immediately. Rather than tell Darren, she suggests he take the kids to visit his parents in New Jersey that weekend. On that day, Lucy dresses carefully and meets Gabe at the same place they ran into each other on her 23rd birthday so long ago. She notes the exhaustion on Gabe’s face and tells him that Darren is having an affair. They drink too much and become flirtatious. Gabe holds her hand as they leave until he remembers himself. Lucy moves close to him and suggests they go back to his hotel. Gabe and Lucy make love all afternoon and discuss the possibility of Lucy moving to Jerusalem with Gabe. However, Lucy knows she could never leave her children. Gabe encourages her to leave Darren but promises to give her time to figure out what she wants.

Lucy returns home and settles in to read the D.H. Lawrence novel Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Darren and the kids return an hour or so later. Liam is buzzing with news of a secret their father has, but Violet chides him to be quiet. Lucy fears the children have somehow learned about Linda and Darren’s affair. However, the secret turns out to be that Darren has bought the house in the Hampton’s where he and Lucy first met. Linda is the real estate agent. Lucy is so overwhelmed by feelings of guilt and regret that she begins to cry. Lucy and Darren become intimate.

Lucy struggles with her feelings and thoughts about Darren and Gabe. She wants to talk to one of her girlfriends, but she is ashamed. She calls Julia but decides not to bring up her issues when she learns that Julia is celebrating a new job. Lucy admits to herself that she wants to leave Darren and be with Gabe. She feels Gabe “wanted me because of. Darren wanted me in spite of ” (258). But she cannot bear the thought of leaving her children.

Lucy sees one of Gabe’s pictures in the paper and knows he has moved from Jerusalem to Gaza City. Lucy follows the news coming out of Gaza City, noting the violence that is disrupting so many lives while her life goes on as usual.

Gabe calls, and Lucy tells him that Darren was not having an affair. Gabe confesses that he has lost his drive to work with the Associated Press and has decided to quit. He wanted to do something significant but feels he is not changing anything. He regrets what he has given up. Gabe decides he needs to come home to find some happiness. Lucy continues to insist she cannot leave her children. They exchange I-love-yous, and Lucy goes home, still struggling with her choices.

Lucy wakes one morning and is instantly sick. She comes to the conclusion that she is pregnant. Darren is thrilled with the news, but Lucy is filled with dread because she knows the baby is just as likely to be Gabe’s as Darren’s. Lucy expresses regret that she did not immediately call Gabe and tell him.

Lucy is on her way to work, taking a taxi because the pregnancy has left her so ill that she is afraid to take the train. She receives a call from an executive editor at the Associated Press letting her know that Gabe was in an accident and she is his medical proxy. He says that Gabe was close to an explosion that left him with serious brain injuries. He is on life support, but he has a do-not-resuscitate order (DNR) on file that no one knew anything about. They need Lucy’s permission to take him off the machines.

Lucy returns to her apartment and calls Kate after hours of crying. She tells Kate everything. Kate offers to travel to Jerusalem with her, but Lucy knows she needs to go alone. Darren is angry when she tells him what happened; he does not want her going to Jerusalem pregnant and alone. However, Darren agrees to her plan as long as she returns that Sunday. Lucy admits that it would be easier to defy Darren by leaving him, if he were not as good a man as he is.

On the flight, Lucy sits beside a kind Orthodox woman who recognizes her morning sickness and gives her ginger candy to help with the nausea. They talk briefly about Gabe, and the woman comforts Lucy when she begins to cry, telling her God has a plan for everyone.

Lucy arrives at the hospital immediately after her flight. She seeks Gabe’s room, but the doctors pull her aside first and explain that Gabe is brain dead. Lucy has a panic attack at the news but quickly calms with some breathing techniques. The doctors explain that Lucy can keep Gabe on life support indefinitely, but the DNR represents Gabe’s desire not to be on machines long term. A social worker, Shoshana, gives Lucy Gabe’s personal effects that include his camera and his apartment key. Shoshana walks Lucy down the hall to where Gabe’s room is, but she stops and asks if it is possible to have a paternity test run on her unborn child.

Lucy cries at Gabe’s bedside, wishing she told him to come home to her and never leave her again. Shoshana comes into the room and escorts her downstairs, offering to call a car to take her to Gabe’s apartment. Lucy briefly wonders if this is fate’s way of making the choice between Darren and Gabe for Lucy. She wonders what Gabe would think; perhaps this was always to be his fate.

Gabe’s apartment is only partially unpacked from his last move. Lucy finds pictures waiting to be hung and boxes filled with books lined up in the living room. She finds a copy of the World War II novel All the Light We Cannot See on his bedside table with a piece of paper marking the last page he read. The bookmark is the receipt from their last meeting in New York. Lucy finds Gabe’s will in a drawer in his desk. It leaves all the rights to his creative work, including a book he had yet to finish, to Lucy. As Lucy contemplates when Gabe wrote the will, she calls Shoshana and asks how long a paternity test will take.

The next morning, Lucy meets with an obstetrician who tells her it will take two days for the results of a paternity test. However, Gabe has a fever and might not have long, so the obstetrician and lab staff promise to try to get the results as quickly as possible. As she waits for the results, Lucy sits beside Gabe and tells him their story. Lucy struggles with the choice that must be made and is angry that Gabe put her in that position. She acknowledges that he and the events of September 11, 2001 have shaped the person she has become. Lucy struggles to accept that nothing she can do will bring Gabe back to her.

Lucy writes a letter to her unborn son. She tells him that she is unsure what if he will grow up believing Darren is his father, or if he will always know that Gabe is his father. But she will make sure he knows one day what an incredible artist and person his father was. Lucy tells her son about removing Gabe from the machines and how she held him as he died. She talks about how she and Gabe debated the nature of destiny and free will, and she now believes their lives are based on the choices they made and nothing more. She assures her son he was conceived out of love and will always be loved by both his parents.