Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close

Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close explores the intricacies, challenges, and rewards of maintaining deep, lasting friendships in adulthood. Written by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, the book delves into their journey of friendship, offering readers both a narrative and a guide to understanding the complexities of adult friendships. Sow and Friedman, who are known for their popular podcast Call Your Girlfriend, combine memoir and cultural critique in this 2020 ode to the power of what they call Big Friendship. The authors share the joy and exhilaration they experienced in their initial connection and how they later navigated the challenges of illness, racial differences, long-distance communication, and the stresses of business partnership. Ultimately, they argue, Big Friendships are powerful, transformative, and worth the work required to grow and maintain them.

This guide references the 2020 e-book edition by Simon & Schuster.

Summary

In the Prologue, Sow and Friedman recount a pivotal moment in their friendship: a spa weekend in Napa intended to mend the growing rifts in their relationship. This opening sets the stage for a candid exploration of the challenges inherent in The Intentional Work of Maintaining a Friendship, or what they term a “Big Friendship,” over time.

Chapter 1, “The Spark,” captures the magic of their initial meeting. Despite their different backgrounds, Sow and Friedman discovered a deep and immediate connection. Their friendship blossomed rapidly, driven by shared interests and mutual admiration. However, as they navigate their twenties, both women undergo significant personal and professional changes that begin to test the resilience of their bond.

In Chapter 2, Sow and Friedman delve into the early days of their friendship, highlighting how digital communication via Gchat and a shared sense of initiative in fostering social connections played crucial roles in deepening their bond. This period is marked by a sense of simplicity and ease, in which both women actively seek to make new friends and integrate each other into their lives.

Chapter 3 introduces readers to attachment theory. Sow and Friedman cite communications researcher Emily Langan, who applies attachment theory—normally used to describe parent-child bonding—to friendships. Sow and Friedman liken their friendship to that of a securely attached family, describing the emotional intimacy and security it provides. Attachment theory frames their relationship as a solid base for each other amidst the turbulence of life’s challenges. The chapter also discusses the societal evolution of friendship and chosen family, emphasizing the changing roles and expectations of friendships over time.

Chapter 4 shifts focus to the professional realm. Sow and Friedman discuss the professional experiences that made them realize there was a lack of mentorship for women in the workplace. They contrast their personal experiences of sexism and isolation with the concept of Shine Theory, a term they coined that describes a practice of mutual support and empowerment among friends. This principle, they say, is a cornerstone of their friendship. By supporting each other, Sow and Friedman and the rest of their friends challenge the competitive dynamics often present in professional settings and help to counter the effects of systemic sexism by lifting each other up.

Chapter 5, “The Stretch,” marks a turning point in their friendship with the onset of Sow’s health issues. Sow was diagnosed with iron-deficiency anemia, and this period tests Sow and Friedman’s ability to adapt and support each other through significant challenges. The authors introduce the concepts of “stretch” and “strain” in friendships. Friendships, especially Big Friendships, require individuals to stretch, especially during major life transitions. Stretching, Friedman and Sow say, is healthy and necessary, just as it is in physical exercise. However, when one friend is repeatedly and unequally asked to stretch, this can lead to a strain in the relationship.

In Chapter 6, Sow and Friedman critique the shallow portrayal of female friendships in popular culture, dismissing the concept of “squad goals,” as popularized by singer Taylor Swift on social media. In contrast, Sow and Friedman propose the concept of a “friendweb,” a more complex and inclusive understanding of friendship networks. This chapter also explores the challenges of maintaining their bond. The authors describe how they encountered misunderstandings and miscommunication while navigating their entangled friend group. The stress of organizing an annual gathering—an event in Joshua Tree called “Desert Ladies,” which Friedman initially organized as a birthday celebration—reveals underlying tensions in their friendship.

Chapters 7 and 8 delve into more profound issues affecting their friendship, such as racial dynamics and the impact of their public personas on their private relationship. Chapter 7, “The Trapdoor,” discusses The Power Dynamics of Interracial Friendships, underscoring the need for ongoing dialogue and understanding. In Chapter 8, “See You on the Internet,” Sow and Friedman describe how they started their podcast together, Call Your Girlfriend, without considering the implications of starting a business together or exposing their relationship to public scrutiny and idealization. This chapter also reflects on how social media presence complicates their friendship, highlighting the dissonance between their public image and private realities.

Chapter 9, “Too Big to Fail,” confronts the myth that some friendships are invulnerable. Sow and Friedman candidly discuss the deterioration of their bond and the conscious efforts required to address their issues. They recount how they eventually decided to attend couples therapy together. This chapter underscores the necessity of work, communication, and adaptation in sustaining a meaningful friendship.

Finally, Chapter 10, “The Long Haul,” offers a reflective look at the 10-year journey of their friendship. Sow and Friedman acknowledge the challenges of fitting into each other’s lives as seamlessly as they once had but remain committed to the principles of ritual, assurance, and openness to maintain their bond. They argue that Big Friendships should be recognized as essential, transformative relationships, urging readers to invest in and cherish these bonds. Overall, Big Friendship is a testament to The Power and Complexity of Friendship. Through their journey, Sow and Friedman reveal the joys, challenges, and necessary work involved in keeping a close friendship alive. Their narrative not only provides insight into their bond but also offers valuable lessons on navigating the nuanced dynamics of deep, lasting friendships.